As a die-hard Baltimore Ravens fan, certainly Id like to ease into a 5-year, 40-million dollar deal with my boys in purple (though blue better complements my skin tone). The club has a need at starting left tackle — with Eugene Monroe potentially on the move — and the entire offensive line is in disarray. Still, I tell myself, Ive got to stay open to possibilities. So Ive hired an agent. He keeps insisting hes not the type of agent Im seeking, and really wants me to check out a fully furnished 2-bedroom condo he wont stop talking about. His name is Gary Maguire and theres just something exciting about him. Maybe its the crazy look in his eyes. Maybe its that he keeps repeating "help me, help you". Whatever it is, he really gets me: Maguire: You dont look like an NFL player.Gallay: I get that a lot.Maguire: Not sure youre even muscular enough to be an NFL fan.Gallay: Im going to put my clothes back on.Maguire: Shouldnt you declare for the draft first—not free agency?Gallay: Theres too much running at the Scouting Combine. Not my strong suit.Maguire: So how am I going to pitch you to NFL front offices? What are your skills?Gallay: Im tenacious. Im focused. I cant catch a football, but I can clumsily swat at other people playing football. My wife says Im in the way a lot, so I plan on using that to my advantage. Im also dangerously delusional. (I hand him a doctors note.)Maguire: Fine. Ive seen more done with less. Lets talk staging. After discussing mortgage pre-approval for some reason, he and I come up with a plan. He explains to me how most NFL offensive linemen are well over six feet tall, roughly 300-350 pounds, a decade younger than me, and likely had a successful college career followed by some prior success in the NFL. I explain to him that Im not like other people. We settle on agreeing Im a maverick and get to work. "First, you need to put on 165 pounds." I tell him no problem, I did it once, I can do it again. He advises me Ill have to do it in under 35 years this time. Ideally hed like me to hit the target weight by mid-afternoon. Im on it, I holler, through large bites of tofurkey. He stops me as I head towards the bathroom, reminding me I cant afford to lose any weight today. "Next, you need to grow five inches, possibly seven." I explain to him that my whole allure is quarterbacks will have no problem seeing over top of me. Of the other significant O-line free agents, Branden Albert is 65. So is Eugene Monroe. And Rodger Saffold. Jared Veldheer is 68! My shortness and poor posture is EXACTLY how Im gonna differentiate myself from those terrifying brutes! Maguire is unconvinced, so I grudgingly step into the medieval stretching machine he found on Kijiji. It smells of pine wood and suffering, which Im told is exactly what Vince Lombardis station wagon smelled like. "Your hands are too small. Left tackles have huge mitts." Thats the least of my worries, I explain, as I wrap 50 yards of tape to my left hand. Well just tell coaches I have a sprained thumb and I should be better in 2-4 years. Everyone in the NFL is nursing an injury. Shows Im tough. "What about your embarrassing lack of football knowledge and acumen? You just called a touchdown a Pass-The-Liney-Scorey." Ill give it to Maguire, hes asking all the right questions. I explain how I consume 8 hours of NFL Network every day, a claim which seems to impress him. Also, Im able to name four other offensive linemen, none of them John Madden, which is more than 98% of football fans. (To be fair, since nobody knows their names, Maguire cant verify if Richie Incognito is an actual human being.) "Last thing. What do we do about your, um, advanced age?" No problem, I tell him. Im going to change my name to Stanislav Gomez, a young Cuban defector. (I figure if Oscar Isaac, a multi-talented Cuban-Guatemalan, can play a spot-on pasty neurotic Jew in Inside Llewyn Davis, surely I can do the opposite.) We both nod in unison, followed by an enthusiastic slow clap. Time to show me the money, Maguire. He advises me to not say anything else until Ive contacted a copyright attorney. And here we are, Tuesday, March 11, the opening salvo for NFL free agency. I see that Alterraun Verner my fellow hot commodity free agent has been tweeting bible verses to me (and all his followers) for the past several hours. My Verner Mountain Dog, what a joker! Gosh, I hope we land on the same team. Anyway, I better tweet him back before he gets worried. Also, I better get some rest (Im super fat now). Whatever happens, Im not worried. Its like my dad has always told me, worst comes to worst you fall back on your education. Thank goodness I got that Division I degree in sports anthropology. (Maguire knows a guy who knows a guy who is gonna get me a diploma.) Gonna be a big year. Gallays Poll #2 Which situation would be the best fit for Gallay? a) A multi-year deal with his favourite organization, the Baltimore Ravens (said every Steeler fan).b) Drawing five-pointed stars hoping the Devil shows up offering a deal.c) Pulling out of free agency until 2015 to realize all his goals in intramural soccer baseball.d) Discussing his dosage level with a trained professional. Thomas Morstead Saints Jersey . Second-seeded Sloane Stephens of the United States made lighter work of her day as she beat 2009 champion and Swiss wild card Timea Bacsinszky 6-3, 6-3. Two seeds fell: No. 4 Kirsten Flipkens of Belgium lost to Katarzyna Piter of Poland 6-4, 6-2, and No. Morten Andersen Womens Jersey . The fourth-year guard from Carleton University kicked off his varsity career with rookie of the year honours in 2011, before racking up three straight Mike Moser Memorial Trophies for outstanding player. http://www.saintsrookiestore.com/Saints-Wil-Lutz-Jersey/ . He had even more fun Friday. Coming off a sensational rookie season, Spieth opened the new year by never coming close to bogey and making a 12-foot birdie putt on the last hole for a 7-under 66. Ted Ginn Jr Youth Jersey . Auld made 37 saves in a 5-3 loss to the Boston Bruins on Saturday. It was Ottawas first game without starter Anderson, who is out indefinitely after cutting his hand Wednesday night, and it was evident the team wasnt sure how to deal with the change in goal. Cameron Jordan Jersey . His big 2-minute outburst in the fourth quarter Tuesday night is all that really mattered for the Dallas Mavericks.The FIA has tightened radio communication limits for F1 teams following the controversy of Nico Rosbergs 10-second penalty at the British GP. Rosberg was demoted to third place after Mercedes were adjudged to have breached the new-for-2016 rules when instructing the German how to find a solution to a gearbox failure. Stewards were, however, content that Rosbergs team were allowed to inform him of the failure itself without any further issue.But after race director Charlie Whiting was said to have claimed that the honeymoon period was over regarding the lack of severe punishment for breaking the rules, the FIA has revised its stance. From now on, if a team warns a driver that there is a problem with the car, this must be followed by an immediate pitstop to rectify the issue, or retirement. Part of the statement, issued ahead of the Hugnarian GP, read: With the indication of a problem with the car, any message of this sort must include an irreversible instruction to enter the pits to rectify the problem or to retire the car.In this instance, Rosberg could have been told to shift through the gearbox in order to avoid seventh gear, but he must have pitted straight after or stopped his Silverstone charge.There were concerns that a 10-second penalty wasnt hefty enough from the FIA, with teams possibly considering taking the punishment if they felt there was more time to be lost by not sending a failure message to their driver.Force India, for example, did not tell their drivers about brake failure at the Austrian GP in fear of breaching the rules.ddddddddddddhe FIA has also ruled that teams can only instruct drivers about settings in the car if it is to fix a critical problem and not to enhance performance. Whens the Hungarian GP on Sky? Find out the full TV schedule for this weekends race Instructions to select driver defaults, this must be for the sole purpose of mitigating loss of function of a sensor, actuator or controller whose degradation or failure was not detected and handled by the onboard software, they say.It will be the responsibility of any team giving any such instruction to satisfy the FIA technical delegate that this was the case and that any new setting chosen in this way did not enhance the performance of the car beyond that prior to the loss of function (see Article 8.2.4 of the Technical Regulations).Furthermore, drivers are only allowed to be told about broken bodywork rather than components, while the FIA radio rules only apply when the car is out of the pitlane - as opposed to the previous garage restriction.Watch the Hungarian GP live on Sky Sports F1. The race starts at 1pm on Sunday, with build-up underway at 11:30am. Or watch the race without a contract for £6.99 on NOW TV. Also See: F1 Report Hungary Preview Who will win the Red Bull duel? ' ' '